All this and then Mary abandons her at showtime. She just sits and listens to Jesus’ words - rapt
with attention. It was not even a
woman’s place to sit with the men and listen to what they had to say! All of a sudden she was embracing some Greek
philosophy and becoming like a man – her own sister! When Martha came out of the kitchen to
question Mary – I imagine Martha wiping her cracked, rough hands on her apron, cheeks
flushed, probably smelling of smoke from the fire, eyes sort of glazed from
stress and lazer focus on making this party a success, and if it was me – also
nursing her own glass of wine in the kitchen to lamely try to join in the party
without leaving her station. When Martha
tried to gain some support from Jesus, she did not get the answer she expected. Mary has chosen what is better. MARY.
She-who-has-not-helped. What
happened after that? Did Martha throw up
her hands and storm out? Did she paste
on a too-wide smile and say, “Yes Lord” or “You know best…” and back out of the room? And then talk behind his back? As a feminist, I’ve always sided with Mary’s
rebellious choice of sitting with the boys and broadening her mind and
nurturing her relationship with the Savior.
However, as a Mom and a wife – in the life that I have made for myself
in reality – I all-too-often fall into Martha’s role. Not because I am in a feminine servitude, but
because I actually love entertaining.
Like Mary, it is a language for me to demonstrate to people how much I love
them. The only problem is, people often
don’t notice the traditional ‘women’s work’.
If I were a man, you can BET it would be noticed – all the attention to
detail, etc. but since I am a woman, it is just expected. All the invisible work that women do and never
get credit for – it is a very very old story.
However, I am not going to go into all that martyrdom. There was only one martyr. I am doing the work I do by choice. But why do I choose it? And how can I speak
this language of love and have people hear it?
And not go crazy?
I think that Jesus was not telling Martha to get back in the
kitchen or ‘you chose wrong - and I am under the impression that the apps are
serving themselves. I think he was
telling her not to forget to be present in the moments that are important. Don’t to be a slave to yourself because a
slave does not get to hang back and enjoy the (sometimes awesome) party that
she created. This hits home as a parent,
and also as a volunteer with children’s programs in my church. I help plan out & put on events for
families, teach the kiddos about God through carefully thought-out crafts,
songs, etc. but then my own children
have to entertain themselves while I work for others’ children and, honestly,
for recognition by other adults that I did a good job. Did Martha feel any of that? Wanting recognition? Because if so, I’m sure she learned that even
when you get the recognition, it’s never enough. Especially when you, yourself are not on
board. But having to teach Sunday
school, volunteer to lead church activities AND keep a meaningful connection
with your children during all that is sometimes too much to accomplish. It’s some kind of myth that you can do it all
that leads automatically to the guilt that women are all too good at. It’s enough to make you cry into your
casserole.
How do you strike a balance and not be offended when Jesus
says, “enough with the percolator already – come out of the kitchen and be present
without checking the clock for the next event.
I am here. With you. Right now.
I will not be here forever. Be
here with me in this moment that is a gift to both of us.” Now, you know where this goes. This line of thinking usually leads you down
that path of guilt about how your kids won’t be kids forever and you’ll look
back all too soon and realize that they’ve grown up – blablabla and more crying
into your jello mould. That’s all true,
but what can we do about it in real life?
Advice books suggest you treasure every moment – and that is worse than
the Martha Stewart line of thinking - that you need to make everything from scratch
and prepare every detail. We all know
that behind the scenes. Martha (Stewart) really delegates jobs to her staff. If we followed her example and delegated
to all the people standing around like
the disciples were that day, we would have more time to be present in the
relationships that are really at the core of this get-together in the first
place.
Here’s the other dirty secret about Martha (or so I am
completely assuming about her, based on my own self). She is keeping busy so that she doesn’t have
to fully participate and come up short in a relationship that is not as
“easy”. Keeping busy with laundry and
housework and planning get togethers and volunteering at church is way, way,
way, way, way more easy than loving someone.
Especially someone that is hard to love.
Being a mom is the most important job that I am doing and I love my kids
so much that I feel my heart burst and enlarge daily, yet I fall short of my
own expectations and then beat myself up about it. Not only that, I when I do my job right, they’ll
need me less every day. It is easier to
mire myself in the extraneous event planning and volunteer work than
participate in a ”losing” battle. In a
way, Jesus was a losing battle too – and maybe Martha somehow understood that. Maybe she was nervous about the political response
to his miracles, or heard rumors from his enemies. Who knows.
But Jesus “lost” to go on to something greater – something that no one
could anticipate or fully understand. It
is also impossible to anticipate or fully understand the fate of your children
as well – how your parenting will affect them – will they be in therapy
(probably) or will they go to college (also a high probability). I am constantly surprised that God chose me
to raise kids. How could God trust me
with something that important? If I
fail…well failure is just not an option.
And yet it is sort of inevitable because life is not perfect. Participating in the business of being busy
gives me an excuse to not participate in participating in a relationship that
can never be the perfect picture I wish for.
However, if Martha could trust and take a step into unknown territory by
loving a losing battle and trusting being revealed imperfect in her most
important priorities, she will see that it is freeing to love and be present in
the moment. There are countless gifts I
have received from my children, from myself, from God by participating in this “losing”
relationship. Rocking my very sick child
when no one else can console her, being one
of their unquestionably safe people to trust in life, being able to nourish
them with my own body and learning that some of my personal sacrifices for them
can actually be a joyful act instead of an act of self-deprivation. It is an ongoing battle to believe in myself
as a parent, but if I don’t, who else will?
Jesus. But I need to get on board
too
My baby has woken up, so I guess my time for writing is at
an end. I don’t know when I will get to
write again, but her smile as she wakes up and looks at me is irresistible. My older daughter has rested her head on the
upper part of my arm and has stopped trying to make my fingers type weird
letters. The warmth from her cozy head
is life-giving to my cracked and dry soul, as is the baby’s unbridled smile with
teething drool and here-and-there tooth terrain. I think about the need to be present to the
moments that God gives - I am called to
be present with others as well as to serve and be busy and participate in adult
life. However – others need the chance to serve too. Even your children need a chance and the way
that children serve is by loving- and
loving unconditionally. So put on a CD
and dance with your kid. Or your husband
or your sister. Smell them (yes, breathe
in their scent and ignore the cue for a diaper change). Be aware of how it feels to hug them. Because Jesus is in every one of us and to
take a moment to really be present with any one of God’s people is to be in the
presence of God. You don’t have to
orchestrate anything or spend a long time, but stealing a moment when it
presents itself is a start.
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